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What happens when a mall security guard gets some barely legal chick pregnant? The co-ed baby shower that Danny attended yesterday happens. Listen to the tale:

Although it is normally the custom to dress in pastels and tell the mother-to-be how beautiful she looks even though she is fat, this celebration was held in a Long Island bar flanked with men and women covered in tattoos and long mustaches. Danny reported that he was put on the spot and asked to perform stand-up comedy. Last minute plans like that always end well. Danny said that he opened with a joke about diabetics becoming pirates, due to the appearance of losing a leg and wearing an eye patch. It turned out that ninety percent of native Long Islanders are also diabetics, and thusly threw rolled-up placements at Lobell in lieu of rotten tomatoes and knives. Always up to be humiliated, Danny was forced to continue and found that the only joke that went appreciated did so at the expense of a delightful minority group. All of this disrespect, Danny said, was made worth it by getting the opportunity to meet “Uncle Roy”…

Not quite an uncle and not quite a Roy, the 600lb Marlon Brando clone refused to sit at the table with the rest of the celebrants, and instead remained at the bar beyond the back room, grunting when forced to communicate with the people outside of his head. Danny unsuccessfully attempted to befriend the behemoth, and while he was ignored repeatedly, he was present to witness the most beautiful site ever beheld by a fat guy who has a friend-crush on another fat guy. He got to see Uncle Roy do what he did best. In his life outside of sitting stonily at a bar, Uncle Roy finds employment sitting stonily at a bar as a bouncer. His specific role is to get rid of the industrial low-lifes that cannot be persuaded to leave by the junior-varsity bouncers. It was requested that a certain drunk be removed from the baby shower and Danny drank a shot of alcohol made out of wood while he watched Uncle Roy speak to the drunk without one hint of emotion or understanding of how the game chess is played.

Drunk: “We could be friends”
Uncle Roy: “No. We couldn’t”
Drunk: “I can’t wait to sober up and leave.”

Man. If only every bar had an Uncle Roy.

In other news, the puppy that had been given to Danny’s troubled brother and then taken away was given back to him due to Danny’s family’s inability to return the puppy to the store. It turned out that they procured the beast from an evil pet store and that many other patrons complained of their pets dying immediately after purchase. Now the family is charged with the task of swabbing the puppy’s pussy eyeballs and postering the evil pet store with pictures of the Lobell boys’ hideous allergic reactions that read: IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. Danny’s father told his son to call the store, get rid of the puppy bought to keep him from killing himself, and give the manager this message: “Our family loves to play hard ball.”

Dave Kasten got the opportunity to apologize to Intern Genevieve’s mom for insulting her while an invited guest at her home. Genevieve’s mom is a therapist and Miss America loser, and as such accepted Kasten’s apology gracefully and assessed that he acted as he did because he was uncomfortable in his surroundings. Why so nervous, Kasten? Haven’t you ever been somewhere that didn’t smell like fried chicken livers and borscht? Dave promised her that when he brings apology flowers that they would not be cheap carnations, and claimed that he would not drink in their presence again. At least one of the promises will definitely be kept, Kasten will most likely not bring flowers at all.

First guest in was Bill Dawes, fair-haired comedian and often proclaimed “crowd-pleasing” comic. Dawes said he doesn’t necessarily mind telling jokes as long as the audience is having a good time. According to Dawes, he didn’t know there was such a thing as a comedian whose aim was not to please the audience. What about pleasing the audience with edgy and deep material? He’s working on it, and has some dark mother issues to pull from. As does most of the cast. Danny and the crew encouraged him to follow down that path as Dawes confessed that his true love was acting and discussed roles garnered in movies and television shows with actual speaking lines. Though normally type-cast as gay (he’s not!?) he related his experience on the set of Sex and the City where he asked out and was rejected by Kim Catrall. He didn’t win any straight points that day, but he did make her laugh.

Next Guest: Garmaine Fowler. Danny claims to have discovered this comedic savant from the myriad tapes sent in by comedians looking to get booked on the show. A diamond in the rough, this DC comic only moved here a month ago and Danny and the Crew vow to chart his career along a time line and take credit for his resulting success. Germaine said that so far he has found that New Yorkers are nicer than he expected, but the crack heads here are lacking in a certain etiquette. Danny discussed his own successes and comedic tips with Germiane, and detailed the feeling of interviewing George Carlin, and the awe he felt when he knew he could kill him if he had wanted to.

The show ended with anarchy as Dave Kasten’s arch enemy and rival in love, Myq Kaplan, came in. Kasten has been saying that he did not want to do his “Kasten Minute” anymore, so Danny and crew brought Kaplan in for the “Kaplan Minute”. Watch the calamity below.

And that was the show. Make sure to tune in Friday with special guests Pablo Francisco and Arj Barker.

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